Beauty for Ashes - My Redemption Story

We just had our Send Off Dinner tonight. It was an incredible event and a huge encouragement to both Casey and I! So many of the people we love so dearly all gathered in one place, just AMAZING!!

All week I prayed and asked God to give me the words to tell you all about the deep desire He has put inside my heart to serve the children of Zambia. I thought if I could put together the words in just the right way, maybe everyone could grasp my passion to share Jesus with these kids. Maybe they could understand the longing to shine light into their dark worlds.

After much time in prayer about what I should talk about, I felt the Lord telling me to share my testimony. It wasn't something I was excited to share with a room full of people, but repeatedly He encouraged me to tell my story. I tried many times to think through the way I would share it, and lots of words began to build the story. I prayed for the Lord to be with me as I spoke, and to help me remember all of the pieces. However, as I stood in that room, all the words I had practiced in my mind disappeared...all I could think of is my sweet Zambian children and my desire for them to know God's love and peace. And so, that is what I shared. 

I believe Satan has every hope that he will discourage me, and tell me I didn't speak eloquently enough tonight. In all honesty, he has already begun that attack...there is so much more I had thought about sharing, but God stripped it down to the raw truth - the fact that I live and breath to share the joy and peace Jesus has written all over my life. He is my Rescuer and the One I live life for. I want every dark corner of this world to be flooded with His precious light. I pray that somewhere in my story tonight, someone's life was touched by His Love. That someone caught a glimpse of the redemptive power of my mighty Savior. My hearts desire is to make much of Him and less of me, because it is only through Him that I am who I am.

My God knows me through and through, and He knows I am much better at expressing myself through my writing than from the stage. The other words the Lord gave me throughout this last week are still going round and round in my head, and I cannot stop thinking about them, so I figured I would write them down...

In 2010, I prayed what seemed to be a simple prayer, but ended up being one of the most powerful prayers the Lord has ever answered, and it went like this:

"Lord, please give me Your heart for these kids." 

In the past, I have thought this was the beginning of my journey to where we are now - moving to Africa - but as I have meditated on our decision to move, I have come to realize I was wrong...

Zambia has changed my life. It has changed the way I view my life, and has changed the way I want to live my life. I told many of you about the day I met Jesus...For those of you that were not at the dinner (and even for those that were), I will expand...

I grew up in church. I was baptized when I was eight years old. And while I remember that experience vividly, and truly believe at that time I understood Christ's atonement for my sin, He didn't became truly real to me until a few years later. The night I met Jesus, I was 13 years old.

But to understand that night, I must also tell you something else about my childhood. I lived in a dark place from the time I was 8 until the time I was 12. My step-father, who was supposed to be someone who loved me and looked out for me, secretly abused me.  On a regular basis (three to five times a week) he would visit my room at night. For more than four years, fear, sadness, and darkness were a part of my everyday life - but outwardly no one had a clue. I got pretty good at wearing the happy mask, and no one was the wiser. He threatened to hurt by brother if I breathed a word, and for far too long this bought my silence.  

But my Lord heard my cries - in every agonizing moment He cried with me. Only He will ever know the depth of my pain and suffering - but in all of this ugliness, beauty has come.

"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. LORD my God, I will praise you forever." ~ Psalm 30:11-12

Fast forward to after the truth has finally come out, and my step-father was sent to prison. Nearly a year has passed, and I was still living in my own prison. The nights brought with them more terror than I can properly describe. Even though I knew he was locked away, his presence infiltrated my thoughts and sleep was hard to find. Every shadow in my window was him lurking in the dark, and outside my bedroom walls I heard knives sharpening in the kitchen and voices down the hall. Each hair on my neck stood on end as I sat silently, with bated breath - paralyzed by a fear too great to allow me even the few steps across the hall to the safety of my dad's bedroom. I still remember so clearly the feeling of complete helplessness and excruciating fear.

On a night, just like this, I had reached my limit. My muscles were so tense and every single creaking of our house was amplified to a deafening level. In my flesh, I could literally take no more. I had reached the end of myself and had nothing left to give - in this moment I cried out for the Prince of Peace. I told Him that I could not stand another second more - that something had to give because I just couldn't take the all consuming agony that I had been living with - reliving the horrors I had experienced and dealing with the fear of it happening again.

I had been to church so many times, and heard repeatedly of a God of Peace, but had not experienced Him for myself. I'm not sure what kept me from seeking Him sooner...maybe it's just the American way of life that breeds in us the "do it yourself" attitude, but at 2 in the morning Jesus came to me in a very real way.

In the moment I cried out, that very instant, a peace washed over me like nothing I have ever felt. I had grown up with the stories of a great and powerful God. I knew I needed Him for my salvation, but never had I experienced the intimate way He loves me. Never had I experienced the relationship He desired with me. Never had I known His strong desire to heal my pain. But in an instant, His Peace came over me. When I called upon His name, He was there - before I knew what was happening the peace that surpasses all understanding was upon me. And then I slept. I slept like I hadn't slept in years.

When I think of this time in my life, the words of my sweet Jesus resonate in my ears, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Jesus gave me what no psychologist, friend, or family member was capable of giving me. They were all well intentioned and wanted desperately to help me, but the pain I suffered could be erased by no man's words. However, the Bible tells me "if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come!" And from that day forward, this truth played out in my life...but little did I know at the time, the Lord was not just teaching me about Himself and who I am in Him, but also preparing me to share His love and truth with others.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." ~2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Fast forward again...to January 2010 - our church had a mission trip opportunity with a program called Camp LIFE. This is a week-long camp that brings Americans to Zambia, Africa to share the Gospel with a group of Zambian children. I love kids and I love Jesus, so it didn't take much convincing for me to decide to go.

When you sign up for Camp LIFE, you can choose a preference of girls or boys, and specified age ranges. I left this blank. I had decided to let the Lord choose which kids he had in mind for me to love for the week. On Monday, June 21, 2010, I shared my story with a group of 13 Zambian girls (aged 8-13, coincidence - I think not). 

As a result of my transparency, these precious girls opened up to me about things they hadn't told anyone, ever. I watched as the Lord used my story to allow these girls to be vulnerable before me I witnessed first hand the way he began to bring healing to them - the very ones He had chosen for me. I saw how uniquely qualified I was to minister to their specific pain, and was brought to my knees by the goodness of our Lord. 

Through their healing, God also revealed a deeper healing within myself - one I didn't even know I needed. At one time, I had thought it was enough that He came to me in my hour of need and flooded my life with Peace. But we do not serve a God satisfied with just enough..."The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it ABUNDANTLY." 

He took a horrific, ugly, and dark time in my life - something the devil intended to destroy me with - and turned it into one of the most beautiful experiences I have ever been blessed to have. He did not cause my pain, but He did provide a purpose for my suffering. He showed me Himself in my deepest need, and then allowed me the opportunity to share His Love in a profound way.

Our God is one of love, and He despises seeing His children in anguish. But unfortunately, the world we live in is riddled by sin. His Word gives us guidance and wisdom on how to avoid the pitfalls of sin, but free will still comes in to play and (until Jesus comes back) evil still exists in this world.

But despite the devil's schemes, God can orchestrate a beautiful symphony of His people telling others about His love. And He even uses the very things the devil thinks will trip us up in order to edify and strengthen the faith of others.  

I thank the Lord, not for the abuse I underwent at the hands of my step-father, but for His graciousness to meet me in the midst of my despair. To come to me in the very instant I called upon His name. And then the privilege to watch Him work in the lives of others as He weaves our stories together and creates a melody that sings His praises.

He is anxious for the time they will call Him to their rescue...He longs for the time they will realize they don't have to walk this road alone. I cannot keep quiet about the One who loves me. I must tell the ones He has anointed me to tell about His love for them. And I REJOICE with Him when they too discover the Prince of Peace that waits earnestly upon their call.   

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners...to comfort all who mourn...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor." ~Isaiah 61:1-3